Comments on: What it means to be real

By: International Day of Mourning and Remembrance: Institutionalized Lives of People with Disabilities–Forgotten Lives and the Ones Who Fight Back « We Can Do

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 17:24:14 +0000

[…] What it Means to Be Real (These events were at a day program, not technically at an institution. But apparently much of the way people in the program is treated is similar) […]

By: Gulla

Gulla — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 14:08:10 +0000

Sadly this is so true! Thank you for sharing this with us. I recently started working with people probably even more “passive” than you were and i was shocked and angry to see how they are treated kind of like not fully human and i live in a country (in Northern Europe) that boasts of being one of the top countries in respecting HUMAN RIGHTS and equality of it´s citizens. I´ve been trying to change the attitude of the staff and your writing is giving me courage to continue in spite of the resistance i face which i know is nothing compared to what you have had to go through. It´s also helping me reflecting on my own attitude towards the people there. Thank you for start fighting back and inspire us who want to join the fight!

By: Pancho

Pancho — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 17:30:52 +0000

Amanda Baggs it was about the same with me, I wasn’t reacting outwardly so they thought it was okay to keep doing it. Actually I could easily see someone being pulled into thinking it was okay who wouldn’t otherwise think that.

I think whether ignoring bullies works depends on how predatory they are though. If they’re someone who actually seeks out people who can’t/won’t fight back then ignoring them will encourage them. The ones who aren’t predatory will just get bored if they don’t get a reaction. People who haven’t been harassed/bullied don’t know the difference between the two or maybe they just don’t really believe a “normal”/”nice”/etc person would actually be predatory.

By: Ivan

Ivan — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:33:43 +0000

Anything we can do to help you change this, please let us know.

By: sanabituranima

sanabituranima — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 14:50:12 +0000

In reply to Amanda. That's good to hear. I'm assuming you have a good reason for not mentioning the name of this place. I hope things improve there.

By: Amanda

Amanda — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 12:33:24 +0000

Also, I’m doing a lot to try to change how they’re treating people. Because I know it’s wrong and I know that people even more passive than I was are at even higher risk from this than I was.

By: Amanda

Amanda — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 12:31:02 +0000

Robin: I hadn’t even thought about gaslighting as a good description of what they were doing, so I hadn’t even thought of it. I do remember at one point, they told me that my reactions to them showed that I “always thought the worst of people”. Which struck me as really odd, considering the fact that I was going out of my way to think the best of them, and that I’ve pretty much never had anyone tell me that before. I’ve got other faults but that’s not one of them.

By: Amanda

Amanda — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 12:29:29 +0000

Pancho: I remember other kids jumping on me too. At one point a teacher told them to stop, and they said something like “See? She doesn’t feel it, so it’s okay.” Because I wasn’t reacting outwardly (to anyone, at that point) they assumed that I didn’t feel anything. And they would jump up and down on me just to see if they could provoke a reaction. (Which is one reason I’ve always found the idea that if you don’t react to bullies, they’ll stop, to be really strange. Whenever I didn’t react, that seemed like bait to them, to push me as far as they could to try to provoke a reaction.)

By: Amanda

Amanda — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 12:20:15 +0000

It was actually fairly easy to write this.

I mean it was hard to get to the point I got to, that made me able to write this.

But once I was able, it just came out. It was certainly emotionally rather intense, but this change, whatever it is, has made me much more able to just hit the “publish” button without feeling any fear at all.

What people think has taken on much less of a role in how I feel about doing things — it used to be terrifying because I have in the past been at the mercy of people with a lot of power and what they thought mattered. But now, it seems to matter much less, especially in regard to the sort of people who are really just being jerks that I don’t have to pay much attention to. I think it could still be a problem if I got thrown off-balance in some manner, but in most situations it’s not a problem at all.

It’s also easier to have intense feelings without getting into a state where they just perpetuate themselves or go recursive or something.

By: Nora Watts

Nora Watts — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 02:33:18 +0000

this makes me thing of the book: When i say no i feel guilty. ( u can usually find it in a thrift shop)

people get better when one treats them with respect. They cooperate because they want to and not because they are harassed into it. Shame and blame are shit means to make someone comply. Peer support is great in this way. If a peer support person has been there she will not be a party to this sort of torture. I have no idea how you stood it but then how did i stand it and i am much more able than you are in some ways. Actually i don’t know if that is at all true. What the heck is able? Got to think on that one.