Comments on: Self-consciousness, and meaningfulness, and meaninglessness.

By: Ettina

Ettina — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 11:47:24 +0000

I had an idea of acting it out with twist tie people. I have long played with twist tie people, my first twist tie creature (a snake) was made in kindergarten (or maybe grade 1). Since I’m underage, the only part of me that will be visible is my hands.
I’ll make the video soon. Should I send the video to you, or you send the MP3?

By: Caroline

Caroline — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 04:35:55 +0000

Shield your eyes, here are your current YT honors:

#21 – Top Rated (This Month) – People – All
#20 – Top Rated (This Month) – People – English
#8 – Top Favorites (This Month) – People – All
#7 – Top Favorites (This Month) – People – English

The good thing about being a YT celebrity is that it’s totally different from being a “real” celebrity (I can only assume). Your mention of an autistic celebrity reminded me of one of my favorite books, Thinking In Pictures, by Temple Grandin. It’s been too long since I thought of her, so thanks.

By: Tamsin^Amorpha

Tamsin^Amorpha — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 23:35:02 +0000

People have sometimes thought our self-consciousness was for a different reason than it actually was. It’s true that there are a lot of people who are much more “unusual-looking” than we are, although there are people in here who still don’t like the way our face is shaped, or our posture (we’ve had very noticeable forward neck posture ever since a pretty young age, and scoliosis that no one caught, although I think it’s less pronounced now than it once was), or other things that have apparently jumped out for some people as making us look like a “retard” or “cripple.”

When we were about 10 or 11, we used to wear a pair of dark sunglasses and walk around with our eyes closed, trying to navigate around by touch and sound. It wasn’t just that we wanted to have the ability to do so, although we did (re your older post about “dark-impaired” people). But, I think it was also then that we discovered we were much less self-conscious when we didn’t have to look at people’s faces or eyes while talking to them, and that we actually had far more people-reading skills available to us when we had the option to not look at people or look at them indirectly.

Most people would put this together with the fact that there were some things about our appearance that we were self-conscious about, and had been made targets of derision by other children, and say “You were trying to do it for the comfort of others, because you knew something about you made them uncomfortable.” Actually, no. That wasn’t it. We knew there were things about us that made others uncomfortable, but the self-consciousness of that was totally different from the self-consciousness we were trying to avoid with those dark glasses, which was caused by other people trying to force eye/facial contact with us even as just a “polite” and “routine” thing. If we’d been trying to hide ourselves for others’ comfort (and we’ve done that too, in the past) we would have turned our face away rather than closed our eyes. It was their “polite eye contact” we were trying to shut out.

So there were two different kinds of self-consciousness going on there with us, one being pretty much universal to anyone who’s disabled or unusual-looking in any way, the other one apparently the exact opposite of what a majority of “unusual-looking” people want. And people have interpreted the second one to be a by-product of the first type of self-consciousness– “you don’t want people to make eye contact with you because you’re uncomfortable with your appearance.” No, we don’t want people to make eye contact with us because we don’t want people to make eye contact with us. We never made eye contact even when we had no self-consciousness about our appearance at all, before people started to say that the way we looked or moved was strange in some ways. But because we had been made to feel ashamed of how we looked, people started thinking they could therapize that away, or whatever, and that if we didn’t want to make eye contact it was somehow because we had an investment in holding on to our shame or clinging to a victim role.

By: jacques de beaufort

jacques de beaufort — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 14:50:27 +0000

correct you are…it is strange that we create binary oppositions that categorize individuals.
Maybe this is something that illuminates the inherent trap doors and misleading corridors that are embedded within communication. But as you say, we are individuals existing in society that has created these categories using these linguistic pre-cepts. My purpose in using the word “gifted” was to point to your “difference” as a quality that is unusual, but not necessarily negative. Do you find the word “special”..as in “special needs”..or other such words equally problematic?

By: ballastexistenz

ballastexistenz — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 13:26:42 +0000

Oh yeah. I’m aware self-consciousness is definitely a universal thing, or near-universal.

The trouble is that I have an innate aversion to the position I’m in, although I’m aware that many people would like to be in a similar position, and would thus (if going on the sort of projection most people seem to go on) not necessarily believe this is aversive to me.

I haven’t seen the YT honors actually, I only go over there to approve comments.

I have already gotten some tips from an autistic celebrity (which I hope I never am) on how to handle some of the weirder fallout of getting noticed.

And I keep trying to ignore the numbers.

By: Caroline

Caroline — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 13:15:45 +0000

Your video views (just on YouTube) have just about doubled since this post! Congrats! As different from others you may feel, self-conciousness is pervasive throughout society. Everybody feels it, and a lot of people think they’re the only ones feeling it, or that they feel it the most/are most justified in feeling it. For better or for worse, appearance is, ostensibly, the first thing most people notice about anybody, and it is thus the basis for initial judgements. Fortunately, we’re intelligent enough to suspend and modify judgements and recognize their fallability. With the video especially, I don’t think a lot of folks are thinking too much about how you look, in the way that is making you feel so self-conscious. I guess I don’t know what else to say on that topic b/c it’s not like you can command someone to feel less self-conscious, but now you’re in a position many envy. I’m sure you’ve seen your YT honors…FOUR of them right now! Serious, right on, girl! Instead of comparing notes with other autists regarding being overwhelmed, now you’re going to have to get some tips from celebrities. In the meantime, I hope you don’t mind while myself and others get our excitement vicariously. I know I get a kick out of seeing your views go up and up and up…

By: ballastexistenz

ballastexistenz — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 08:39:27 +0000

Because I’ve long been part of a disability rights movement that acknowledges that disability is mostly to do with which people a society is built for and which it isn’t. I see no negative connotations to the idea, and find the idea of putting “gifted” (a “good” thing) in opposition to “disabled” (a “bad” thing) somewhat offensive.

By: jacques de beaufort

jacques de beaufort — Sun, 28 Jan 2007 01:26:40 +0000

hi
I really enjoy your blog..
It’s fascinating to think about the nature of communication..especially when words seem so clumsy. There is an idea that all that is, is metaphor..and symbols fail to grasp the pre-linguistic nuomena that form the basis of all experience. I think of you as being “gifted” rather than disabled..and wonder why you even describe yourself that way..

By: Cheryl

Cheryl — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 22:02:29 +0000

Please teach me to speak your language. To better understand. My son is autistic and for 20 years I have tried to get into his head. I want to see what he sees and why he does what he does. I want to experience the joy of understanding what he feels, wants, and thinks. I want to break down the barrier and learn to communicate. Whatever it takes. I am open to looking at things in a different way and trying something new. I just want to connect. I know there is a wonderful person here and I just need to learn the right language. Can you help me or tell me where to look?

By: Sunfell

Sunfell — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 18:27:34 +0000

I found a link to your video on BoingBoing, a ‘directory of wonderful things’ that attracts brainy misfit folks like me. I recall that they also posted a link to your activist site a few years ago, too. BoingBoing is a very popular site, which might explain the spike in viewings.

My eyes and mind have been opened by your work, and the work of others like you. I was born ‘different’ too- and had to put up with not quite fitting in. I still don’t, but my oddities now are seen as eccentricities that are ‘part of the package’ as it were.

I sincerely hope that your work opens up more eyes and minds- and hearts. And like a poster above said, perhaps it will engender more respect and understanding and in turn influence laws and policies. I’ll do my part to get the message across- it is the least I can do.